Silence at Last
by Victor M. Gonzalez
Staff Obit Writer
I accept Andy's decision to put Apak to sleep with dismay. What will I do with my weekends? How will I use all that extra time? And, more importantly, how will I continue to cast my shadow across fandom's shallow oceans?
Well, I'm sure all of those questions will be resolved in time. I do have a title for my next fanzine, which I expect to get out by the end of the year. And I'm looking for other outlets as well.
So instead I'd like to thank Andy and carl for approaching the zine with such dedication. I think Apak has been a lot of fun, and I think it's set a certain standard for frequent fanzines, at least in this decade. Through all of the criticism we've taken, Apak has remained frequent and mostly interesting, thanks to those many fans who took an active role by writing articles and letters. As well as printing all sorts of general interest stuff, Apak was often first with the news.
Most of the kudos must go to Andy, whose home, computer and life were dedicated to the production for one week of every three, and who -- despite his outbursts and frequent calls to kill the zine -- always came through with patience and effort.
The fanzine is dying because of irreconcilable conflicts between carl and me that have essentially driven Andy insane. What had been an acceptable working environment was becoming more and more strained as it became clear carl and I wouldn't be able to discuss or overcome our differences. Most of that was focused on carl's inability to deal with my personality. His best suggestion was that I should seek therapy and take psychoactive drugs like Prozac or Zoloft. But he refused to discuss the intricacies of our problem.
To my thinking, this conflict allowed only one solution: either carl or me would have to leave. carl had made it clear he was willing to leave (saying that at least he knew he would have left at the pinnacle of the fanzine's success). I was less willing to leave, but eventually the strain wore me down to the point that I asked for a decision from Andy: Who goes?
Faced with this -- and incorporating thoughts about other aspects of his life -- Andy decided to kill the zine. He chose not to choose.
Fanzines are not made for money, and in most people's lives they rarely take precedence over more critical matters, like jobs or families. So I'm not critical of Andy's decision. He's done what works best for him, and this is Apak's final issue.
[NB for the Web: It was not merely interpersonal conflict between Victor and I that lost him my friendship. -- cj, 3/20/98]
[This last paragraph included a change of address which I'm told is no longer valid, so I've deleted it. --cj]
Reason sets the boundaries far too narrowly for us, and would have us accept only the known -- and that, too, with limitations -- and live in a known framework, just as if we were sure how far life actually extends. As a matter of fact, day after day we live far beyond the bounds of our own consciousness; without our knowledge, the life of the unconscious is also going on within us. The more the critical reason dominates, the more impoverished life becomes; but the more of the unconscious and the more of the myth we are capable of making conscious, the more of life we integrate. Overvalued reason has this in common with political absolutism: under its dominion the individual is pauperized.
-- Carl Gustav Jung
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